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burnt out/still glowing

locked in the cell, feeling unwell. talked to a man. he said it's better to tell.
the sand is on fire
we sit shaded by the pier
my heart burning, too

being back here in San Francisco was surreal. the undoubted happiness tainted by a slight emptiness. everything I'd seen and done had been together, and now seeing it all again without... her.

endless rain. warm, welcoming people. they took me to dinner. they eat burgers with a knife and fork and take shoes off before they enter rooms, like the Japanese. we watched Archer every lunch. I took them apart at their own game. I was interviewed, an article about me in the national newspaper. beer cans piled up with Aleks and Martin. I can't believe I'm here.
Creation Records just followed me. I'm shaking and crying.

Blue Ruin left me wordless, with an empty feeling in my heart, much like the main homeless character. best movie I've seen in a long time.
2 : xx
if I lined up all the perfect one night conversations with strangers I've had in a row, it would come to about three weeks, but that moment the sun rises something is already gone. is the detachment in me? do you dissolve in daylight? how does initial fascination end so fast and seem impossible to cajole back? it's like laying on my back as a boy, looking up at clouds. every year they seem to get closer and closer, until one day they were so close I could no longer see them at all, and whatever mystery I thought lay within them had now disappeared.
pulling words out of you, like a dentist under anesthesia.
when everything else seems to come to an end, you're still here with me after 17 years and I always come back to you.
love; how to keep on this dying light
how to paint this greying sky
what to do once immersed fully
in the blinking blackness

(trying to write again. trying...)
I'm grateful for this year, for the people who came into my life. the inspiration they gave me and the influence they've had on me. no regrets, just experiences. experience forms into memory. shape and edit the memory into a perfect, time encapsulated snow globe. put it on a shelf and remember to reach for it when you need it.

  • Only Lovers Left Alive
  • The Grand Budapest Hotel
  • The Drop
  • Nightcrawler
  • The Guest

    to see next year...

  • 20,000 Days On Earth
  • The Hateful Eight
  • Enemy
  • A Girl Walks Home Alone at Night
  • Blue Ruin
  • The Revenant
  • Knight of Cups
  • The Irishman
  • Batman V Superman
  • The Sea of Trees
  • The Martian
  • Interstellar
  • xx
    we sat opposite
    on the tube
    exchanged eye contact
    for shoes

    it was there and you let it go

    12 stops 'til home
    together, but alone

    what if I'd said something?
    no more exclamation points in my life.
    I can feel it leaning in, whispering...

    by mum's bedside.

    I was accepted into Rushmore! best early birthday present, ever. thank you Lauren.
    glassy eyed
    full moon
    walk home
    all black
    cold clasp
    girl gone
    softer than always
    harder than sometimes

    it's not enough, just a touch...

    Slowdive, rum, Charlotte (and ping pong in Spitalfields market!). bliss.

    music: Some Velvet Morning


    Mark Gardener, rum and Charlotte. happiness.

    music: Drive Blind


    I went to Woolwich today for the first time since a soldier was hacked to death there by two terrorists in the name of Allah. it’s not far from me, only over a few hills but it's still a world away.

    the sea of flowers and hundreds of personal notes, especially from children were overwhelming. the little boy that left his toy soldier touched me deeply.
    2 : xx
    she doesn't know that loving you is the worst way to get to you.

    took grandad for lunch today. his 92nd birthday. I don't plan to live that long, but if I do, I want a knickerbocker glory and somebody to talk to me like I'm not a kid.
    found in a box at the back of the drawer
    lost between the sheets to a titty-fuck whore
    kept around a neck on a chain, forever
    1 : xx
  • how do I get to the other side of the glass?
  • I want to be on that side with you
  • xx
    push me on the swings, you have the most dangerous eyes
    the sky hung
    heavy with regret,
    about to burst
    into tears.
    had to call 999 over the weekend
    the bottom dropped out of my world
    everything is starting to crawl
    back into focus now
    4 : xx

    I just got home from seeing MBV. I was front row, tiny German's to my left and geeks talking about Kev's pedal setup all night to my right. I'm slightly frozen, but still buzzing. the new and the old songs fit snug together. my favourite part of the night was seeing people who have never seen them live before get obliterated and look dumbstruck during You Made Me Realise's 20 minute jet engine onslaught.

    the biggest chocolate in the world.
    2 : xx

    spent my birthday at Palace away.

    all the bubbles disappeared, a bath together is a bath forever.
    my girl is 8
    and that's old enough to know
    better or worse or
    so I relax around her and
    hear various astounding things
    about sex
    life in general and life in particular;
    mostly it's very
    except I became a father when most men
    become grandfathers, I am a very late starter
    in everything,
    and I stretch on the grass and sand
    and she rips dandelions up
    and places them in my hair
    while I doze in the sea breeze.
    I awaken
    say, "what the hell?"
    and flowers fall over my eyes and my nose
    and over my
    I brush them away
    and she sits above

    - Charles Bukowski


    saw Cranes the other night in Shepherds Bush.

    on our way home the sky went all flambé.

    added a little lion, less lonely now.
    5 : xx

    dying from the heat at Bleecker Street.

    I look at this on my wardrobe every day, to remind myself that if a girl asks to smell my penis, it’s time to zip up and run.

    look what my stubble does to her chin, sensitive bitch.

    ever since I saw the flm The Warriors as a kid, I wanted to go to Coney Island. I love how dilapidated it is. sitting on the sofa like seats, while riding the rickety 85 yr old Cyclone roller coaster, with Victoria screaming her head off beside me.



    I’m not sure if I was working on enough monitors today.