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finally joining the fucking facebook. - burnt out/still glowing
loveless
loveless
finally joining the fucking facebook.
"do you remember when and this and then? what are you doing now?" i have been pounced on by old friends and ex girlfriends since i decided to come out of my self imposed exile, after i left all these people at the station in 1998. i can't tell you why i did that. why i mercilessly cut everyone off then or why i even let them find me again now. i never go back. i look back all the time. i have never wanted to go before. not with this, anyway. i was an alien in school. not alienated. an alien. i crash landed my ship, already way beyond evolved. just a bundle of hope and excruciatingly sharp pencils in my backpack. isolated and awkward. not that you'd be able to tell. i had lots of fun when i didn't think too much.

i have to be careful with my word choices even now. dumb down to engage. talk like i'm a member of the tribe. doing this daily makes me feel like i don't exist. i feel like i'm being buried alive, silently. no kicking. no scratching.

how people remember me is so curious. their stories. i carried a comb in my back pocket. apparently i was The Fonz. i would excel in English and History and finish 20 minutes ahead of everybody else and ask for more work. apparently i was a hard working geek. sometimes i didn't even goto school for weeks/months at a time. i would close the curtains, stay in bed and read. apparently i was a lonely mixed up kid who couldn't even be bothered to pretend he was sick. if i did go, i'd sneak out early thru the hole in the fence up in the fields out back and go meet a girl. i was one of the fastest runners in school up until i destroyed my knee pushing myself too hard, running the 100m. apparently i'm built to spill.

i kissed girls before i even knew how to kiss or why i wanted to. these girls have babies, have lost babies, have husbands and divorces now. they tell me i was their first kiss. i remember the minty fresh kisses. i hate the taste of mint. i've spoken to one girl more in a day than i ever did in the five years i knew her. i wanted to tell a couple of people i knew what they were going/have been through. i couldn't. i've never had a real conversation with these people before. i know you're not supposed to when you're a kid. nothing is meaningful or meant to be. it should just be icecream and tennis. this is kind of a big thing for me. reconnecting with people i've always felt so disconnected from. baby steps. did this sound happy? it was supposed to. maybe there are no endless ends.

scratch that. i bet i will lose contact with them within a few weeks.
xx