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it's been a long time since i've been inspired to write. the kind of… - burnt out/still glowing
loveless
loveless
it's been a long time since i've been inspired to write. the kind of heart pounding, twisting beneath the covers in bed, sweat on the base of your spine, kicking out at the cat night, where you know sleep won't come easily, if at all. the end of another relationship. a friend in need because of a sick relative too far away to be with. the uncertainty of job security. impending changes everywhere. the future is not set for me. i'm not sure if i've ever wanted it to be.

looking back at my last few journal entries, i see my work blogs. my boss asked me to keep a daily log of being a press officer for him for the election. i assume just for content for his site and to get to know me. i changed it to a weekly round-up of what we did and my feelings. what a journal should be? if so, i've never kept a journal. i've had many journals. i've been on livejournal for 10 yrs and i'd never felt compelled to write down what i did and how i felt, so plainly. so mundanely.

i was actually reprimanded for speaking my mind too cutely. i must be more diplomatic in politics, he said. you can't tell people what you really think of them. you'll get us into trouble! i thought i'd watered down myself enough for him, actually. i'd done it with my writing for years. expressing vaguely, yet creatively satisfying myself. a public medium that allows feedback, but often indecipherable to nearly all but me. it gave me comfort. i'd say it gives me comfort, but i can't seem to scrape the words together any more.

i can go back to 2001, 2004, 2008 and know what i meant, who i'm writing about and why i felt that way. maybe you knew it was you. maybe you'll never read this. maybe you don't even know me. i would usually backspace all this, delete, delete.. but not this time. i'm still just a dreamer, who simply can't get to sleep. i can never remember my dreams.
xx